on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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