careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
