I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
