Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
