Well douche your snatch and let's go!
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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