I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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