my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
