i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize