We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
