apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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