____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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