grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
