Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
