At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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