The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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