This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
