Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
