I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize