Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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