Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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