Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
