But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
