ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
