Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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