Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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