woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
