one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
