i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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