if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
