You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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