I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
