Pregnant stripper...not hot.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Still dying that you shit outside
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize