I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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