Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
