I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
