Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
