half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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