make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
