Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
