mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
