turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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