Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
