hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
