Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
