remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
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