You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
