I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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