My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Randomize
