I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
