bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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