i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
When did angry sex become our thing?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
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