Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You made out with two different species that night
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
